Yesterday I published a blog with a link to an article about brain injury. I also wrote a commentary on some of the excerpts in the article. However, I immediately erased this blog post because I was concerned it was too harsh and might cause hurt feelings. Upon further contemplation I decided to repost what I erased because I think it is important for the blogs to “keep it real.”
Every once in a while an article is published that absolutely hits home or “nails” what you are experiencing.
Such is the case with a January 9, 2012 article in The New York Times titled: When Injuries to the Brain tear at Hearts by Sarah Wheaton.
Here is the link to the article but please also allow me to highlight some key excerpts and commentary
Excerpt #1: “Until recently, there had been little evidence-based research on how to rebuild marriages after such a tragedy. Indeed, doctors frequently warn uninjured spouses that the marriage may well be over, that the personality changes that can result from brain injury may do irreparable harm to the relationship.”
Bob and I face this every day. We know we love each other but we don’t know if our marriage can survive. we do know we are profoundly different people and for me this is both physical and mental. I had to come to recognize the harsh reality of this and consequences that accompany these realities.
Excerpt #2:” Contrary to conventional wisdom, many relationships do survive after a spouse suffers a brain injury. Some studies find divorce rates well below the national average among these couples. A 2007 investigation found that the divorce rate was around 17 percent in couples followed for as long as 90 months after a spouse sustained a brain injury. That is not to say these couples are always happy.”
This excerpt hit home because at first I was just happy to be alive and 2-3 years into it I wanted a whole lot more. I would say we have pretty major ups and downs and highs and lows. We communicate lot and try to focus on the positive, e.g., revel in the things we can do. We try to look forward as the psychologist suggests.
Therapists suggest you look forward, do not look back at all.” Try and recreate a relationship. You might ask: What about therapy? Traditionally we are not big believers in therapy but we broke this and sought help. However, brain injury caregiver/caregivee issues are unchartered waters for therapists. Most people don’t survive my type of stroke. We generally felt we educated the therapist more than us getting anything out of it.
Excerpt #3: “Guilt is the tie binding many people to a dependent stranger inhabiting their spouse’s body after a brain injury, Dr. Kreutzer said. But guilt is not unique to the caregiver who might fantasize about getting away. Studies show that few of the injured can work and that about half suffer from major depression; many feel inadequate because of their inability to provide financial and emotional support.” Bob made a vow to take care of me and he has done this admirably for over 5 years; However, I don’t like the idea that there is no exit strategy for Bob being a caregiver. Bob feels guilty on a daily basis because I cannot do the same things he does like work outside, exercise, and bicycle. Travel, etc. My guilt stems from not being able to contribute financially, physically, or emotionally as I did in the past.
The counterpoint to all this is we love each other; enjoy each other’s company. The bottom line is we both lost our respective best friend. I have no good answer on what to do.
In conclusion, my goal with each blog is to provide help to stroke survivors and try to do it with a little humor. I tried to meet the first goal today but unfortunately I can’t find any humor.
