taking inventory

No one ever asks me “What’s it like to be me?” Actually, I like talking about the stroke.  Once I asked my very good friend why her husband or brother (also my friends) never mentioned it to me.  She said they are uncomfortable and sad, and don’t know what to say.

So, I thought I could use this forum to answer the question. I’ll give sort of an inventory of my mind, and my body. Generally, I use this blog and have written many times that I prefer to focus on what I can do so for the first time I’m shifting gears and being totallyhonest.

The big picture is I don’t feel the left side of my body, it’s called hemiparesis.  The manifestation of this is that I never quite feel centered.  This manifests when I sleep and walk.  Think of sitting on a hree-legged stool 100% of the time.  You are never completely balanced.  Also, I cannot take a step without putting on my orthotic (Leg brace).  My left arm doesn’t move at all so I’ve learned to adapt to using my right hand for everything. I can’t write legibly because I used to be left-handed so I rely on my assistant or typing. Probably the biggest issue of the hemiparesis is my vision.  I have zero left side peripheral vision which means I can’t drive.  I’m easily startled when people approach me on the left. Only seeing the right side limits my ability to read quickly and type/text without errors. My vocal cords and intestines are impacted by the paralysis, meaning I can no longer sing, which was my passion.   

Regarding my mind, my world is slower--I think slower and move slower.  I think the most difficult aspect of the stroke is that I don’t work or contribute to our income.  Bob takes such good care of me and is committed to making every day happy. He has never once in eight years complained that I don’t earn a salary.   However, I was trained from early on that you make your own way and to be independent. I supplement my time with volunteer work, Spanish lessons, etc. Frankly, it’s not the same. I observe my friend’s achievements and left jealous. My mind thinks faster than I can perform so it is a conscious effort to slow everything down including talking.  The mistakes I consistently make frustrate me.

I accomplished my objective of being brutally honest.  The bottom line is I’m glad to still be here even with all these issues.   I thank Bob every day for saving my life.